Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
