dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
