mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
