if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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