im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
