He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
