I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
