I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
