ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I deserve to be covered in dicks
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
