Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
