Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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