11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
