even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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