I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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