Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
