my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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