I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
