I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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