I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
