barbara walters just said penis...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
