You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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