Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
