I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
