Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I think i peed on brittanys purse
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
