Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
