You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
