I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
