She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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