I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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