There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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