my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
