Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
