I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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