Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
