Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
