I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just gargled with NyQuil
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
