I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I can't turn off my feet"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
