There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He has the fingertips of a God
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