this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
