There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
