I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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