All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
