2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
