mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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