No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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