When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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