hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
