And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
