my phone needs a breathalizer
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
