i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
