I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
